It is extremely hard (and heartbreaking) to start to let go of a dream...but with time the idea seems to get easier.  i guess that's just one of the strengths we find within our mental survival instincts...to live, love, set goals, achieve, come to some realizations, let go and move on.

i can at least rest assured that i am being *realistic* with real plans to achieve these by a certain time, and not relying on some dumb hypothetical wishful thinking whicn could just lapse into circles never to end.

i admit i have serious flaws/weaknesses.

these include being madd indecisive, inability to follow through, and sometimes giving ppl wayy too much benefit of the doubt/making excuses for ppl...

u know, i wonder sometimes.  what is KEEPING me here?  seriously. 

• i do not have a lease to a place to call my own that binds me here


• no permanent job as of yet (by feb 1 ill know but im still sending out my resume)


• my personal status certainly doesn't keep me here AND shouldn't keep me here (single/married/divorced whathaveyou) and truthfully im not sure when or if that will ever change. it seems like not in the near future for sure so what is really keeping me here????


• i havent been accepted to a school yet


• my sister left for SD last year and my mom is contemplating leaving too

honestly, as years go by, i see less reason to even stay. i am *making up* new reasons each year to *try* to stay.  thats horrible isnt it? If I had 1-2 real concrete reasons to stay here (and again i am adaptable/flexible to life) i WOULD stay.  right now there just does not seem to be anything that falls within those categories.

all my really close friends etc. have moved away or are considering the possibility of moving away, some of whom are 5-10 yrs younger than me, i envy their wanderlust and their ability to make decisions / followthrough and admire their ability to have gotten their bachelors degree/specialization at an optimal amt of time (if they were so inclined) so that they can START ON LIFE.  seriously what KEEPS ppl from STARTING on LIFE?  its not like theres much to look fwd to when ur STUCK in one phase...u just keep from discovering OPPORTUNITIES ABOUND.

just being starkly honest.  there is no time to sugarcoat things now.  reality sets in.  2008 a new year, new beginnings abound, the clock ticks and another yr starts winding down. 

discover problem > analyze and discover hypothesis > end result > based on results, determine possible courses of ACTIONS > endgame

man i wish it was that simple.

 

hmm well maybe it is.  i guess thats for me to determine when the time is right.  thank god the time is getting closer.

Wishful thinking:

Sometimes this action if unfulfilled, ends up being what we more commonly know as "what could have been" or "what u wish was true...but that isn't the reality"

I have a few practical dreams I'd like to think...ones that I've been putting off due to lack of financial stability such as a (temporary) move out of new york city just to grow myself.  This is actually a desire that has grown stronger with time every year...

And:

Going back to school for one final vocation...I have grown more and more interested in health/medical so I am researching the prerequisites on which to start these aspirations. Now that I've started to save actual money this may be more of a reality than ever before and yes I know I said this about 6 months ago however I don't have parents to back me up so I'm trying to at least have a year to two years tuition in check before I attempt such a thing.

Some dreams are more situational/timely (such as potentially becoming a mother someday in the far future) but yes I would follow through because its something I really do want badly and hey I've become extremely adaptable with life

Then comes the wishful thinking - I am surprised at myself for being so starkly honest with myself so early this year about the reality of certain things and the chances of it working out, which comes everyday closer to nil the more I think about it. Truthfully it makes me cry. A lot. But then when I think about it, this is truly the rough patch isn't it, one cries when in denial about reality...one cries upon imminent death...then comes acceptance as one hits rock bottom on some level...but then comes rebirth.

In the delaying of a possible inevitable...one delays rebirth, which -- should one choose to embrace it -- is as beautiful if not more than the possible alternatives...

Still..the letting go of a dream is *heartbreaking*, thus why things end loong after when they were initially meant to end....

I had a dream..but that dream is (slowly) going from me...its just taking waaaay too much energy to ponder at times.

**really please do not feel sorry for me, cuz i don't.  be happy for me because I am growing...again.  it is my way to keep from getting stuck in life.  i realize this can be seen as negative as "oh she cant stick with anything." and thats ok, thats ppl's perspective.  I get bored/restless/need to grow in certain ways that obviously other ppl just don't see the need to do as quickly.  I just want to live life to the fullest and with as much time as I can give to myself.  That is only fair.  I also tend to *know* what i truly want and the means to get it, if its within my control...but because of my extreme adaptability i have patience but that patience becomes my undoing and i know this so then my intuition steps in to prevent myself from going after a lost cause.  for better or for worse, my intuition then steps in and makes it very clear on what needs to be done even if i am initally against it. and timing is always unpredictable in this case but once i receive that calling within myself its VERY VERY HARD to turn off.  its a VERY mixed emulsion right now of bittersweet tears and heart but this is something that I have to go through on my path to my authentic self and a future that just won't wait....to wait endlessly is not being fair to myself.  and i realize that, its just taking awhile to accept and to have the actual *means* to realistically move forward, thats all.  i really do wish that I could totally embrace it *now*. 

hmm this afternoon, one of my coworkers forwarded me an article on Reuters.  Turns out it was about another company expressing their 'renewed' interest in buying out the the company im currently working for.  Of course, while this can go either way, it still being a rumor, no one is at ease right now.  Even some of the mid-level to senior-levels are a little anxious, as you never know where a takeover might lead.  (My other friend's company was bought out in November, and he got canned as a result due to being one of the newest employees at the company.)  As for me, I am still temporary status, although I am supposed to be up for formal evaluation to permanent status by month's end. so I guess I will not worry while there is no formal news about the above...but however this makes me *extremely alert* toward actively looking for a new job asap.

well at least that is *ONE* option. 

I can also take the worst case scenario (if it should happen) to be a sign.  Because I truly do believe in that.  Sometimes life will throw you a sign, a test..something to jumpstart a stagnant routine of some sort.  Don't believe in these type of signs?  That's fine.  All I'm saying is that everytime my life became too routine or something was being taken for granted (whether it by myself or by others around me), all of a sudden something would happen which would make my intuition act up and spring into action, sometimes almost immediately.  and yes it takes me forever to decide to do something but once my resolve is set, i accomplish it rather quickly.

well boy, maybe u are right after all:  Things happen when they happen.  The key is to recognize or rather to determine how significant that occurrence is with regard to ur life, then to figure out WHAT (if anything) to do about it.

of course i am hoping for the best, i shall remain optimistic till there is no reason to do so.  I am just saying that i truly won't be crying over 'split milk' -- so to speak -- in teh event that the worst happens.  There will *always* be another job...I  have never had trouble with landing another gig...and of course there is still the option of school in the near future, there is always an alternative life to be lived.  it just depends on the path you choose.  For every choice in life, there is always another path  left open/unexplored atm...maybe to be explored later...or never. 

and for better or for worse, maybe just maybe, i won't need to wait till 12/2009 after all to realize where my path lies...Maybe i **will** just go ahead and ACT just cuz i dont have anything standing in my way.  Its not that im deviating from my goals that I have set thus far.  I am adjusting to what life brings me, in order to survive and increase my opportunities toward establishing myself in the future.  That type of skill proves to be much more valuable on the journey, dont you think?

______________________________________

rhetoric/hypothetical ramblings: i guess in the end, when it all comes down to it, everything is about *TIMING*  more than any other factor i guess.  *There may no longer be "happily ever after" or 'meant to be".  Unfortunately I'm starting to believe that more and more.  Or at least that the first longterm relationships in peoples lives are not favored to be in the category of "forever" (so count urselves BLESSED if u are the few who actually *MADE it).  After all I was in a 9.5 yr relationship that I initiated the breakup to (At age 28 also!!  An age you would THINK a young woman would have stopped and been like, "Am I throwing my life away?!"  Anyway, back to my original statement. I did not want to believe this (*) but its starting to seem like that, the more I hear stories and experiences from various people in general whom i have been talking with as of late.  Why would a relationship of 5-7+ years *not* make it?  Is it that the longer something goes on, ppl just lose interest? Is it really that *easy* to take people for granted, to assume that they will always be there for you while you go about ur merry way and time to grow up?  Is it really all *too easy( now just to be like, 'whatever' and to let things go?  To not *try* for something so that it actually works out? (of course this doesnt apply if people do not want to work things out)  Is it so hard to take people and their situations/feelings into consideration when you make decisions that could affect not only ur life but theirs as well? To even try to compromise if you want something bad enough, even if its not what you envisioned for yourself initially? Do these factors *not* matter to people anymore?  Is LOVE no longer the ultimate factor toward working things out to make things last? Do people have to actually **LOSE** something special for them to realize what it was that they had lost/what they needed to do in the *first* place? (It just seems like no one is willing to think ahead anymore...if thats human nature i feel sorry for all of us.)   

+hrms not sure how i feel about that right now.

Well, I no longer believe in fairy tales.  i will go out and create my own destiny as it should be.

so how is everyone's 2008 so far?  mine seems ok...a bit slow but
i guess i could be biased in that perspective only because ive been in
the midst of setting achieveable goals within the next 2-5 years.  Well
certain things have already happened which really made me
START overthinking (yea yea i know its like, OMG NOT AGAIN!!!) byut
rest assured I am thinking smartly...well ok, more realistically 2
years.  and it all has to do with establishing a plan to save some
money each month so its just a waiting game at this time. 

man WAITING KILLS. but i guess i have to suck it up and be patient.
id LIKE to save up to half of my monthly paycheck for about two years
(12/2009 seems like a good date don't u agree?)...and then:

• go back to school between this fall and next, and be able to front half if not all the tuition...or
• if my job works out, move out into a decent sized apt with my OWN
  kitchen, living room (god its been SO long since ive had my own place,
  this 5 yr break has been abnormal as I have never stayed anywhere
  longer than 2 years tops. It has to be at least 700 sq feet 1 bedroom
  and I need a bathroom with a TUB and an apt with good closet space!! i
  am a GIRL at heart after all. Haha)
• if my job goes well, maybe ask for a transfer or ask for a
  promotion/higher salary on top of the one i am going to ask for fairly
  soon (persoanlly i think that anyone who isn't proactive enough to
  demand a review or a substantial raise after ONE year
  at a job is a slacker and non-ambitious...the worst thing an employer
  can do is delay it or to say, 'oh its not in the budget, but most
  places if u dont ask u won't get. In the past I have never gone one
  year without raising my salary at least 1-3K$ and that is considered
  MINIMAL in some circles).
• or if none of the above works out, consider moving OUT
  of New York City for a little bit and start over (this place is wearing
  on me seriously. i think i need to step away in order to appreciate it
  more.

 

• After 2 years, it will go super-FASTFORWARD as I think I am going
  to seriously contemplate the next step in my life (where i want to
  settle down permanently, think about the person i am becoming...and to
  finally be *with* and maybe to find this person
  with the *RIGHT* set of characteristics and proactiveness for a
  future/life partner/husband if i haven't already found this person
  already, then comes marriage -- well its not for everyone i realize but
  it is definite in the plans for myself anyway.)

 

i dont know.  I guess if i was much younger, i would be more
complacent about certain things not happening since 2002, which was the
last year anything substantial happened in my LIFE (went to AC and
Montreal for a week with friends, moved from Manhattan to Bklyn then
BACK to Queens, was still in art school, made many new friends that
changed my perspective on life, juggling a few temp and freelance jobs,
and broke up with 9.5 yr ex all in ONE year).  The thing about being
adult is that you have to constantly be proactive to make sure your
life doesn't stay the same year after year cuz its way too easy and
probably human nature to just go about the same old routine in the same
environment etc.  ive been thinking and planning for a long long time
which is the good thing and i guess tis a *good* thing I am being
realistic about it (saving money).  I already pushed off
my inital five year plan (to move to California when I turned 34) and
also pushed off a few dreams of mine in the past few years in lieu of
things to be patient, understanding, and mature. All I
know is that I'm frustrated with living day to day  and now its time to
start revving up the process and being able to strive toward something
MEANINGFUL -- while being ABLE TO quantify WHEN something SHOULD HAPPEN
(how many years, what year)...instead of dawdling (ahh i don't know
when...) and keeping my life on hold and just wonder what the next year
might bring.  Everyone is a bit TOO old *now* to have THAT
attitude, even those that used to consider themselves 'young', sorry
time is CATCHING UP with you.  Time, people and opportunities wait
for no one after all and not everything is meant to be.  Age is just a
number in many cases, but I do acknowledge that it matters and I am
going to do what is best for myself. So right now it may seem that I am
still talking talking talking and NO ACTION but trust me, I am ever so
mindful and when I put my mind to it I make things happen.  I am also
mature enough to walk away from any situation once I am able to in some
form (financials do help so I am taking care of that. My finances have
always been my weak point in life, admittedly, i had always been in
some sort of credit card debt since age 21 with it at its peak when I
hit 27 but i conquered that as of 2006....Right now I am even.  When I
am *finally* in the red, I will have matured yet some more...and then
nothing will stop me).

With never a regret in life.  Ever...

one of my BIG FLAWS has always been patience...ahha.  the fact i
KNOW that I will def go through with one of these goals by 12/2009 it
just makes me a bit impatient since im in the work-in-progress stage
RIGHT NOW.  Well good luck to me this year and next.  I'll def be
working toward something substantial at least...

as silly as it may sound, i would LOVE to be in my own apt right
now...just KNOWING that you have ur own place where no one can tell you
what to do etc. it is such a mental uplift its crazy.  I dont thnk that
anyone who hasnt lived on their own would ever know of this.  But shit,
ONCE u leave home u can NEVER GO BACK, and this holds soo fuckin
true...sigh.  it just sucks i cant afford it right now

 

fun weekend/chilling...

sat, a fun bbq and watching beer pong contests -- all during the DAY!  ahaha

even more interesting (and uncharacteristic) -- on Sunday, we bought a new refrigerator this weekend (cuz our current one was broke)...and my mom gave us a brand new toaster oven to use!

wow...getting appliances...man im getting SOOOO domestic these days...lolz

(yay now we can start BUYING food to keep, can start COOKING!!!~) 

 

i really DON'T mind one bit though.  Times are a-changing, guess this is how life progresses....