....well as least compared to how my ideals and beliefs run.

man, cant believe i fell in love with a *hipster*/overpriced neighborhood tonight (Williamsburg). I normally do not like areas with "pockets of phony" within it!

it was totally by accident though!..as i was walking with one of my classmates (who is Polish) from her home in Greenpoint, i guess we unintentionally wandered into Williamsburg!  She, being newly moved into Greenpoint, had no clue of the boundaries.  And how would I know, I'm just normally in school and Queens these days! 

Greenpoint btw was def intriguing and not what i expected.  Some lovely brownstones and parks and i could soo see the potential for the area. i certainly wouldnt mind living there, it definiltey seemed safe and ppl were firendly for the most part (i mean, no one stared at me as if i had two heads, even though i didnt see ANY Asians in the area at all, just Polish and other Caucasian-looking ppls.  My friend claims there are a good amount of Asians in the neighborhood though.)  While there, we went to Christina's Restaurant, wellknown for their hearty homemade Polish food, and we each had some delicious blintzes...I wanted to try pierogies or even a goulash but my friend was soo ADAMANT about pulling me toward Cafe Rivera where I could barely finish a chocolate poppy seed dessert (it was damn good though!)

Then we walked down to Nassau Avenue, made the turn at MCCARREN PARK (so this is where it is!!!!)  walked all the way to the waterfront and turned left -- hit Bedford Avenue....and lo and behold a neighborhood with a vibe i couldnt explain. but it was soo boisterous and full of young professionals and JUST AMAZING. i couldnt get enough of it.

Then...i found out it was WILLIAMSBURG -_- blahhh

random musings: how is it that when i went to eat at SEA...i didnt feel this vibe at ALL (in fact i thought that area was overrated!) but that i felt it tonight? And am i mistaken, or has EVERY Asian friend ive ever had just brought me to SEA as the place to eat at, cuz its a bit overrated and i now decline any offers to go...cuz seriously there are SOO MANY other more intriguing smaller restaurants we could be going to!!!!

but, yeah back to discussing location and vibe of area... maybe i just lost my bearings cuz i am normally driven to the area...SEA isnt THAT far from Bedford is it?????- ok ppl this i need ppls expertise on!!! thanks

ive always sworn to keep away from those type of areas.  Now overpriced and kitschy, it has been for awhile now and it will only get more expensive as time goes on, yes i know that!!!! But goddamns, it soo beckoned to the 'artist' part of me -- so much so I swear it wasnt funny.  you know how u just FEEL a neighborhood? Goddamns. its been awhile since a neighborhood struck my interest...and forever since ive had my own apartment.  Since graduating from college in 1996 till 2002, ive moved *5* times -- Chinatown/LES, Jersey City, Murray Hill/Manhattan, Bay Ridge, then Elmhurst.  im feeling those stirrings *again*.  

**not that i havent appreciated Elmhurst all these years. its been the longest that ive stayed anywhere and for that i am DULY grateful.

But there is sometihng about being wholly 'independent" and to know u can take care of urself, to NOT live under your parents' roof.  Because no matter what, their influences wil be felt, and ive seen too many peoples lives stagnate or become inhibited due to wanting to please everyone but themselves.  To move, to wander, to explore a new neighborhood to see what it can offer you. To have my own fullsize kitchen where i can cook. To be able to walk up the block and shop for groceries.  To be able to try new restaurants wtihin walking distances and to develop a favorite where it can be 'YOUR' place to go.  To see ppl i know within the community, and to smile and wave.  To know i was in a place to call my own...to come and go as i please, to be able to buy furniture for (omg so addicting, so expensive, so exciting!!)

...to be a HOME

To know that you are STARTING YOUR LIFE  on ur OWN terms, without ANYONE to answer to...whether it be on ur own or with ur significant other. I swear, possibilities abound...a future unfolds right before you...in a place bound for adventure.  theres no other rush ^_~ and one cant really KNOW all these things until they leave their preciously & coddled safety net.

***i swear, there is NOTHING like catching the glance of ur also single dwelling neighbor around ur own age who lives next door, or ur signifcant other, and u exchange a glance, KNOWING...UNDERSTANDING.  Here we begin our lives yet unwritten...may the sky be the LIMIT <3***

<b>Within 2 yrs time i hope to be able to follow thru. </b>At least it might be the perfect interim spot to live at while i see if my San Diego dream is a reality or not....and if not there, then the NEXT up and coming area....ill definitely be paying attention from now on!!! :D

man just goes to show you, i AM a Brooklyn girl at heart. so far ive found more history, character and soul in every Brooklyn neighborhood ive visited than anywhere in Queens.  To this day i remember Bay Ridge more than even the condo apt i dwelled in @ Murray Hill.  Of course i <3 the West Village and surrounding areas the most but i feel its completely out of my price range and optimal space i would want as a home.

but yeah thats my bias and i dont claim to push it on ANYONE. lol

<3

P.S. altho i hate hate HATE the nickname 'BillyBURG' that the 'hipsters' have given the neighborhood. UGH.

Written July 13, 2009

****rhetorical note...not meant to be commented on. its just something i need to go through. ****

...i will think however i need to in order to get thru this.

cuz right now im far where i want to be, should be
in fact i should be certifiably declared insane
the way my heads been going
one minute this way, the next way not
bursts of temper fiery hot, the next minute icy calm

all justifiable, i suppose...doesn't mean i like it this way.
but par for the course. The authentic road...is never easy.

cuz i rather be this way, living actively on the right path
using wisdom and restraint, on the outside looking in
guiding all good vibes and influence
i may believe too much in the good
but mind u that is NO weakness
instead that is the very strength that always pulls me through

and believe it or not, im learning. ive become much more assertive, strong, direct. all good
_______________________

(altho im NOT stupid or do i forgive/forget. right now i feel like throwing something at someones head and having it shatter right in their FACE -- person shall remain NAMELESS. Oh hell, not worthy of existence even...LOL. i have visions of it every day, oh joy. well at least that right now provides me GREAT joy, HAHAHA)

_______________________

Yes i finally got to thinking...
and YES I i do KNOW of the difference btwn different types of people...and no they are NOT the same thing. there are those that waver between being 'stupid and gullible to lengths even i cant fuckin' comprehend (!) - YES *YOU*, stupid idiot!! Aptly deserved BY THE WAY...but for all the stupidity of this shiet, for SOME reason i still believe that one can *still* retain a GOOD heart despite these huge fallacies, dependability however is another STORY.)
-one type (of person).

opposed to being malicious and manipulative
and living on lies to support some sort of 'lifestyle'
(just drawing ur own path toward nowhere)
-the **worst** type *(of person). with a BLACK heart
this type of person is just a poison to everyone around them

i have never been *like* either type, and never will be like either type. First type contains traits that i consider to be truly *WEAK* in character...the latter of the most self-serving, selfish type.


Being *real* has never come easy, but we strive to live with virtue, honesty and respect. and to be able to exchange truths (even if it hurts) with those deemed worthy...

...

i just wonder how things will be, a year from now.

i dont normally think this way but tooo many things are happening all at once now...that i can only retain focus *this* way. its amazing to think of all the changes that i am about to experience now...and that by next yr, i will be again a *changed* person, a different person, like it or not.

believe it or not, whichever path i take, i wil again become someone *new*...one of two IDENTITIES, as different as can be. Either way, change is technically positive -- well i say that in order to bring it into the most helpful light. im not happy about the change but the wheels were set in motion -- and so i bravely face it now.

it will be wholly interesting to see how much things have changed for the other party in such time...well at this point i already know "i* am going to change drastically. in fact i am changing day by day, week by week...its been a pivotal year up to now...the unexpected threw me off but i will survive. And THRIVE. To grow is always a great thing, to gain more perspective, to be more KNOWING. This is where i embrace age...as every year brings more knowledge on how to live, and how to enjoy every moment u have, not cuz u dont know what tomorrow might bring -- but that tomorrow can only bring more depth and perhaps even more joy than one could have ever imagined. =)

Cant say i see the same happening for said person. and thats really something to feel sorry for.

all feelings aside, i objectively hope im wrong about that
-- even though i should really wish that person to eternal damnation in death (LOL!) but hell on earth is SO MUCH WORSE especially if that persons created their own situation--

and thats the crazy part about it. no one has to do anything!!! as much as I WANT something DONE, i won't. its just NOT me, and its not WORTH it. during this time ive found soo much love and support even from unexpected places, that all i want to do is to look *toward* the future. things like this are petty and fade away w/importance with time. Last i heard, there was more than enough going around, without me needing to add to it. so i won't cuz im the better one for it =)

One would prefer to see ppl develop and grow up for the better...but alas that is DEFINTELY not the case for some -- it is also too late as they cannot undo the damage done, to themselves and their surroundings. or at least they cannot accomplish it via the right way, always by deception and seeing who else they can manipulate.


too bad...ppl like this will never find real friendship based on mutual respect and truths, one will never find real, all-encompassing love, only what started in deceit and manipulation and untruths. and those, as we all know, unravel in time. and yeah the most gullible ppl can be fooled for awhile...but when ones true colors come out...yes even THOSE people walk. But oh wells...some ppl are content to create their own worlds as such, who am i to fault that?


**keep in mind that its NOT my intention to keep dwelling on this...i already know that in 5+ months i will have become indifferent either way it goes...so im just working on myself...and thats why im just getting all my thoughts out now. :)

what will this all matter, in the scheme of things...of a life well-built and wonderful?
...


*I* myself am SOO *not* here right now. But my lingering aura and glimmering light stays...and hopefully it shall guide me home....

Someday...

written: 07/13/09

**listening to Beyonce's HALO -- i never thought that a Beyonce song would get me all contemplative. in fact i hadnt even KNOWN this was her song till recently. 

Friday, July 3, 2009 at 6:15am

i am more than what ppl see of me, think of me
and i know it and value my individuality
using this time to further discover who i ultimately am

this year 2009 has definitely been a TRYING one
no way has the past year prepared me for what was to come...











December 5 2009 - the day of reckoning, moment of truth.
Either way I walk a new path in my personal life, an awakening, a new identity with growth, even if thru pain and tears...whatever path i end up on will totally depend on these next 6 months.

Either way, a new era of my life is poised to begin, just around the corner.

Trying not to think about it now as I am HOPING to make it on the July list of Nursing hopefuls at LaGuardia CC, and THEN new priorities will take hold. Will try my very best to be mindful of those as I try not to fall apart...

-Phoenix Risiing
July 3 2009