being that it was soo busy during the semester i hadn’t really gotten a
chance to check in with Nursing Dept. there was sposed to be a letter
SENT as of last wk but i hadnt gotten anything. so i kinda am getting a
bit worried since my situation was vastly different from the other
students applying for Spring candidacy and i didnt know if there would
be an Acceptance letter for me come Jan 13th in E lobby at LAGCC…so i
write the Director but then end up telling her to disregard it cuz i
didnt want to bother her.

However, shes soo nice enough to reply back to my craziness:

__________________________

____

From: Professorat D (xxxxxxxd@yahoo.com)
Sent: Wed 12/23/09 1:25 AM
Cc: xxxx (xxxx@lagcc.cuny.edu)

Hi

As I said in a previous email on Dec. 8th, the Jan 13th date is only
for those coming in to find out if they were accepted. You are already
in, so you only need to come to the two orientation days: Jan 20th for
the first orientation and Feb. 24th for the all day orientation (9-4).

Have a Happy Holiday Season!
Professor xxxxxxxx

______________________________________

whoa.

EASILY the BEST Christmas present I have gotten thus far in my LIFE.
this is most vital cuz it directly confirms my goals toward the
future…this program is SOO hard to get into, and I was deferred from
Fall semester due to a technicality….SO YAY FINALLY!!! =D

although…something else ties it for a close second: As of 1030pm Xmas Eve, I
finally have an engagement ring! (and a proper proposal — altho it
wasnt necessary! but hmm come to think of it, every girl SHOULD get a proposal no matter how long they have been together…and besides the guy should have enough initiative/chutzpah to come up with a way to present the ring to the girl he wants to marry). It was very informal but it was just PERFECT and I couldn’t be
happier.  NOW IT’S OFFICIAL…with countdown toward mid2011 (but it could be earlier!) wowww…when i think about way back in December 2002 when we first met each other, i could never have imagined it would have lasted this long….or that he would totally be the ONE for me.  Such things I definitely don’t take for granted.  man my life is just going soo great….

anyway it was 7 years as of Dec 2009…in a way, this happened at the most perfect time.

2010 is truly the beginning of a decade of NEW BEGINNINGS <3 its crazy how everything is just falling into place!  By the New Year, I will have a few new identities to replace the old — its so wonderful to be able to evolve year after year — i wouldnt have it any other way. =)

….well as least compared to how my ideals and beliefs run.

man, cant believe i fell in love with a *hipster*/overpriced neighborhood tonight (Williamsburg). I normally do not like areas with “pockets of phony” within it!

it was totally by accident though!..as i was walking with one of my classmates (who is Polish) from her home in Greenpoint, i guess we unintentionally wandered into Williamsburg!  She, being newly moved into Greenpoint, had no clue of the boundaries.  And how would I know, I’m just normally in school and Queens these days! 

Greenpoint btw was def intriguing and not what i expected.  Some lovely brownstones and parks and i could soo see the potential for the area. i certainly wouldnt mind living there, it definiltey seemed safe and ppl were firendly for the most part (i mean, no one stared at me as if i had two heads, even though i didnt see ANY Asians in the area at all, just Polish and other Caucasian-looking ppls.  My friend claims there are a good amount of Asians in the neighborhood though.)  While there, we went to Christina’s Restaurant, wellknown for their hearty homemade Polish food, and we each had some delicious blintzes…I wanted to try pierogies or even a goulash but my friend was soo ADAMANT about pulling me toward Cafe Rivera where I could barely finish a chocolate poppy seed dessert (it was damn good though!)

Then we walked down to Nassau Avenue, made the turn at MCCARREN PARK (so this is where it is!!!!)  walked all the way to the waterfront and turned left — hit Bedford Avenue….and lo and behold a neighborhood with a vibe i couldnt explain. but it was soo boisterous and full of young professionals and JUST AMAZING. i couldnt get enough of it.

Then…i found out it was WILLIAMSBURG -_- blahhh

random musings: how is it that when i went to eat at SEA…i didnt feel this vibe at ALL (in fact i thought that area was overrated!) but that i felt it tonight? And am i mistaken, or has EVERY Asian friend ive ever had just brought me to SEA as the place to eat at, cuz its a bit overrated and i now decline any offers to go…cuz seriously there are SOO MANY other more intriguing smaller restaurants we could be going to!!!!

but, yeah back to discussing location and vibe of area… maybe i just lost my bearings cuz i am normally driven to the area…SEA isnt THAT far from Bedford is it?????- ok ppl this i need ppls expertise on!!! thanks

ive always sworn to keep away from those type of areas.  Now overpriced and kitschy, it has been for awhile now and it will only get more expensive as time goes on, yes i know that!!!! But goddamns, it soo beckoned to the ‘artist’ part of me — so much so I swear it wasnt funny.  you know how u just FEEL a neighborhood? Goddamns. its been awhile since a neighborhood struck my interest…and forever since ive had my own apartment.  Since graduating from college in 1996 till 2002, ive moved *5* times — Chinatown/LES, Jersey City, Murray Hill/Manhattan, Bay Ridge, then Elmhurst.  im feeling those stirrings *again*.  

**not that i havent appreciated Elmhurst all these years. its been the longest that ive stayed anywhere and for that i am DULY grateful.

But there is sometihng about being wholly ‘independent” and to know u can take care of urself, to NOT live under your parents’ roof.  Because no matter what, their influences wil be felt, and ive seen too many peoples lives stagnate or become inhibited due to wanting to please everyone but themselves.  To move, to wander, to explore a new neighborhood to see what it can offer you. To have my own fullsize kitchen where i can cook. To be able to walk up the block and shop for groceries.  To be able to try new restaurants wtihin walking distances and to develop a favorite where it can be ‘YOUR’ place to go.  To see ppl i know within the community, and to smile and wave.  To know i was in a place to call my own…to come and go as i please, to be able to buy furniture for (omg so addicting, so expensive, so exciting!!)

…to be a HOME

To know that you are STARTING YOUR LIFE  on ur OWN terms, without ANYONE to answer to…whether it be on ur own or with ur significant other. I swear, possibilities abound…a future unfolds right before you…in a place bound for adventure.  theres no other rush ^_~ and one cant really KNOW all these things until they leave their preciously & coddled safety net.

***i swear, there is NOTHING like catching the glance of ur also single dwelling neighbor around ur own age who lives next door, or ur signifcant other, and u exchange a glance, KNOWING…UNDERSTANDING.  Here we begin our lives yet unwritten…may the sky be the LIMIT <3***

<b>Within 2 yrs time i hope to be able to follow thru. </b>At least it might be the perfect interim spot to live at while i see if my San Diego dream is a reality or not….and if not there, then the NEXT up and coming area….ill definitely be paying attention from now on!!!

man just goes to show you, i AM a Brooklyn girl at heart. so far ive found more history, character and soul in every Brooklyn neighborhood ive visited than anywhere in Queens.  To this day i remember Bay Ridge more than even the condo apt i dwelled in @ Murray Hill.  Of course i <3 the West Village and surrounding areas the most but i feel its completely out of my price range and optimal space i would want as a home.

but yeah thats my bias and i dont claim to push it on ANYONE. lol

<3

P.S. altho i hate hate HATE the nickname ‘BillyBURG’ that the ‘hipsters’ have given the neighborhood. UGH.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 at 5:11pm

So not everyone knows this, but the decision date for Fall 2009 Nursing Program was July 15th at LaGuardia CC.

And unfortunately, I did not get in. According to them, new
requirements had been set into place during the beginning of the Spring
semester, and notifications mailed to all preclincal Nursing majors.
But BECAUSE i had changed my major in late March..i failed to receive
the mailing. Also because of my having just come back from vacation
with my mom during that time, I had not kept up with the schedules for
the informational sessions for Nursing. (Which might have helped me to
AVOID this situation).

But oh well, like that helps me now as on JULY 15th at 1130am, I looked down at the documents in the envelope:

“DESPITE HAVING MADE A GREAT ATTEMPT AT APPLYING FOR THE FALL 2009 RN
PROGRAM, OUR RECORDS SHOW YOU ARE NOT ELIGIBLE TO ENTER THE FALL 2009
CLINICAL CLASS DUE TO A MISSING REQUIREMENT.”

@_@…

omg when i saw this, i was sooooo Let down. I sat numbly by an advisor
as they explained to me what that meant, and then i walked to my next
class. (Actually that day I ended up saying FUCK IT to my scheduled
class, and went to COMPANY to indulge my sorrows in some amazing
flatbread pizzas and the visit at Astoria Park with Drew). eh why cry
(too much) over spilt milk, right?

BUT. part of me kept rereading that letter. and it said, “for those who
would have gotten in this semester if the new requirement wasnt
implemented, you will be allowed to become a candidate for the Spring
2010 semester without ranking.”
– umm WTF??? i had to find out what that MEANT. Ranking = means they
use your grades and qualfications to determine if you have a place in
their class

so anyway i went to the Director of Nursing at LaGuardia today, to clarify what i needed to do.

i waited almost TWO hours to see her. and soo glad i did.

She asked for my SS, look at my grades to better advise me on what to
do for Fall as I waited to reapply for Spring. Then she was like,
“Wait, your grades are all A’s and you are only missing this one class.
Did we ask to ‘hold’ your candidacy? Did we put a star next to your
name last Wednesday?”

I was like, “yes, but i did not know what that meant.”

So she was like, “wait a minute,” and started looking through another
list. Then she found it and she was like, “oh yes, this means you are
part of the Spring candidacy–”

“– so does this count as a 2nd attempt at applying?” I asked, to
verify it. IN this school you get two shots at applying toward a major
and then you either transfer or choose another major.

She replied, “There is not even a re-attempt needed. NO RANKING means
we don’t even look at your grades. Because you would have been accepted
this semester – provided you are taking this required class in fall and
pass with a C+ — you will become part of the entering class for Spring
2010. Judging from your academics up to now, that won’t be a problem.
We knew there might be problems because of the sudden change in
requirements back in March.” she said. (and yes there was…about 10
ppl who fell through the cracks. all of whom had 4.0s like me. just
that i fell toward number 9 on the list cuz i had been a part-time
student vs. full-time.

and UM HELL FUCK YEAH im going to get a C+ in that class. in fact, with
all my FALL semester classes that i need to take while i wait for this
sh*t…im going to fuckin 4.0 it AGAIN!! >.<

“well.” I said, clearing my throat…”that sounds — very simple.”

“Well,” she replied, “thats because it is simple. Exactly like that.
But I would like for you to write me a letter of intent in the Fall,
stating that you do want to be in the Spring 2010 class just so we
don’t hold a spot for nothing. After all there will be at least 10
spots reserved due to this sudden change in curriculum. Hand it to me
in person sometime in September and then you will be set.”

I couldn’t stop breaking into a slight smile that eventually grew wider as I walked away from the Nursing office.

=D

…well im stil bummed about not starting in the Fall. BUT i think i can look past this small thing.

Onward and toward a burgeoning, bright future, aflame….

Phoenix Rising
Aspriing R.N.
July 21, 2009

Written July 13, 2009

****rhetorical note…not meant to be commented on. its just something i need to go through. ****

…i will think however i need to in order to get thru this.

cuz right now im far where i want to be, should be
in fact i should be certifiably declared insane
the way my heads been going
one minute this way, the next way not
bursts of temper fiery hot, the next minute icy calm

all justifiable, i suppose…doesn’t mean i like it this way.
but par for the course. The authentic road…is never easy.

cuz i rather be this way, living actively on the right path
using wisdom and restraint, on the outside looking in
guiding all good vibes and influence
i may believe too much in the good
but mind u that is NO weakness
instead that is the very strength that always pulls me through

and believe it or not, im learning. ive become much more assertive, strong, direct. all good
_______________________

(altho im NOT stupid or do i forgive/forget. right now i feel like
throwing something at someones head and having it shatter right in
their FACE — person shall remain NAMELESS. Oh hell, not worthy of
existence even…LOL. i have visions of it every day, oh joy. well at
least that right now provides me GREAT joy, HAHAHA)

_______________________

Yes i finally got to thinking…
and YES I i do KNOW of the difference btwn different types of
people…and no they are NOT the same thing. there are those that waver
between being ‘stupid and gullible to lengths even i cant fuckin’
comprehend (!) – YES *YOU*, stupid idiot!! Aptly
deserved BY THE WAY…but for all the stupidity of this shiet, for SOME
reason i still believe that one can *still* retain a GOOD heart despite
these huge fallacies, dependability however is another STORY.)
-one type (of person).

opposed to being malicious and manipulative
and living on lies to support some sort of ‘lifestyle’
(just drawing ur own path toward nowhere)
-the **worst** type *(of person). with a BLACK heart
this type of person is just a poison to everyone around them

i have never been *like* either type, and never will be like either
type. First type contains traits that i consider to be truly *WEAK* in
character…the latter of the most self-serving, selfish type.

Being *real* has never come easy, but we strive to live with virtue,
honesty and respect. and to be able to exchange truths (even if it
hurts) with those deemed worthy…

…

i just wonder how things will be, a year from now.

i dont normally think this way but tooo many things are happening
all at once now…that i can only retain focus *this* way. its amazing
to think of all the changes that i am about to experience now…and
that by next yr, i will be again a *changed* person, a different
person, like it or not.



believe it or not, whichever path i take, i wil again become someone
*new*…one of two IDENTITIES, as different as can be. Either way,
change is technically positive — well i say that in order to bring it
into the most helpful light. im not happy about the change but the
wheels were set in motion — and so i bravely face it now.



it will be wholly interesting to see how much things have changed for
the other party in such time…well at this point i already know “i* am
going to change drastically. in fact i am changing day by day, week by
week…its been a pivotal year up to now…the unexpected threw me off
but i will survive. And THRIVE. To grow is always a great thing, to
gain more perspective, to be more KNOWING. This is where i embrace
age…as every year brings more knowledge on how to live, and how to
enjoy every moment u have, not cuz u dont know what tomorrow might
bring — but that tomorrow can only bring more depth and perhaps even
more joy than one could have ever imagined. =)



Cant say i see the same happening for said person. and thats really something to feel sorry for.



all feelings aside, i objectively hope im wrong about that

– even though i should really wish that person to eternal damnation in
death (LOL!) but hell on earth is SO MUCH WORSE especially if that
persons created their own situation–



and thats the crazy part about it. no one has to do anything!!! as much
as I WANT something DONE, i won’t. its just NOT me, and its not WORTH
it. during this time ive found soo much love and support even from
unexpected places, that all i want to do is to look *toward* the
future. things like this are petty and fade away w/importance with
time. Last i heard, there was more than enough going around, without me
needing to add to it. so i won’t cuz im the better one for it =)



One would prefer to see ppl develop and grow up for the better…but
alas that is DEFINTELY not the case for some — it is also too late as
they cannot undo the damage done, to themselves and their surroundings.
or at least they cannot accomplish it via the right way, always by
deception and seeing who else they can manipulate.





too bad…ppl like this will never find real friendship based on mutual
respect and truths, one will never find real, all-encompassing love,
only what started in deceit and manipulation and untruths. and those,
as we all know, unravel in time. and yeah the most gullible ppl can be
fooled for awhile…but when ones true colors come out…yes even THOSE
people walk. But oh wells…some ppl are content to create their own
worlds as such, who am i to fault that?





**keep in mind that its NOT my intention to keep dwelling on this…i
already know that in 5+ months i will have become indifferent either
way it goes…so im just working on myself…and thats why im just
getting all my thoughts out now.



what will this all matter, in the scheme of things…of a life well-built and wonderful?

…





*I* myself am SOO *not* here right now. But my lingering aura and glimmering light stays…and hopefully it shall guide me home….



Someday…



written: 07/13/09



**listening to Beyonce’s HALO — i never thought that a Beyonce song
would get me all contemplative. in fact i hadnt even KNOWN this was her
song till recently. 

Friday, July 3, 2009 at 6:15am

i am more than what ppl see of me, think of me

and i know it and value my individuality

using this time to further discover who i ultimately am


this year 2009 has definitely been a TRYING one

no way has the past year prepared me for what was to come…

December 5 2009 – the day of reckoning, moment of truth.
Either way I walk a new path in my personal life, an awakening, a new
identity with growth, even if thru pain and tears…whatever path i end
up on will totally depend on these next 6 months.

Either way, a new era of my life is poised to begin, just around the corner.

Trying not to think about it now as I am HOPING to make it on the July
list of Nursing hopefuls at LaGuardia CC, and THEN new priorities will
take hold. Will try my very best to be mindful of those as I try not to
fall apart…

-Phoenix Risiing
July 3 2009

“New study cites NYC’s soaring cost of living and flattened wages for “outmigration” of moderate-income families.

The Center for an Urban Future has released a startling report on the
fate of New York’s middle classes — even as the population of the city
continues to grow, its middle class is shrinking, and when it comes to
domestic migration, there are clearly many more New Yorkers leaving
town than there are people from other US towns moving in.

More residents left the five boroughs for other locales in each of the
years between 2002 and 2006 than in 1993, when the city was in far
worse shape. In 2006, the city had a net loss of 151,441 residents
through domestic out-migration, compared to a decline of 141,047 in
1993. Overall, in 2006 the city had a higher net domestic out-migration
rate per 1,000 residents (-18.7) than struggling upstate communities
such as Ithaca (-8.0), Buffalo/Niagara Falls (-7.6), Rochester (-5.8)
and Syracuse (-5.1).

A huge part of this is the sheer expense of living in New York — not
just housing costs, although that’s a lot of it, but everything else,
too, from car insurance to the price of milk. But it’s also that there
simply aren’t middle-class job opportunities in New York any more:

Of the 10 occupations that are expected to have the largest number
of annual job openings in the city through 2014, only two offer median
wages greater than $28,000 a year. Taking a wider view, 16 of the 40
occupations projected to have the largest number of annual job openings
over the same period pay median wages below $30,000 a year, while
another six pay between $30,000 and $40,000.

This is a BIG problem, because a “luxury city”, filled essentially with
the rich and those who service them, with very little in the middle,
can never be a vibrant and exciting place. College graduates like
myself should want to come to New York, not because they think they can
make millions here, but just because it’s a great place to live. And
that seems to be happening less and less, as New York becomes
increasingly unaffordable.

The authors write, quite rightly:

No city has had a greater history as a middle class incubator than
New York. As the legendary urbanist and long time New York resident
Jane Jacobs once noted: “A metropolitan economy, if working well, is
constantly transforming many poor people into middle class people, many
illiterates into skilled people, many greenhorns into competent
citizens… Cities don’t lure the middle class. They create it.”

That’s not happening any more, not in New York. And that’s very worrying.

_______

Links to relevant articles:

http://www.portfolio.com/views/blogs/market-movers/2009/02/05/new-york-city-datapoint-of-the-day?tid=true

http://www.crainsnewyork.com/article/20090205/FREE/902059930/0

http://www.brownstoner.com/brownstoner/archives/2009/02/its_tough_out_t.php

http://www.nydailynews.com/money/2009/02/05/2009-02-05_nyc_so_costly_you_need_to_earn_six_figur.html

…and reported on FOX 5 NEWS at 6 tonight. I was a bit disturbed hearing of it

1. I used to be a real procrastinator in all areas of my life. I still
get that way, but I have gotten really good at kicking myself in the
ass when I need to.

2. I tend to get very indecisive when faced with too many choices.

3. And with that includes decisions about my future.

4. I still have YET to choose a restaurant for Valentine’s Day!! (see #2). And its *THIS* wknd! -_-

5. Once I get an idea in my head, I can talk myself into liking and
doing anything, as long as I develop a realistic approach toward
achieving it.

6. I think way too much at times. However it has helped me to grow myself in every way.

7. I type as fast as I think, and it amazes people sometimes. I just think its normal.

8. Many people might abhor school and think it a drag, but I *love* it. I love being able to learn and challenge myself.

9. I have a sweet tooth but only for candy. I seldom eat desserts, and chocolate only once in awhile.

10. I loveee Ferrero Rocher Chocolates. The first time I ever ate them,
I think they were kept in a place that was slightly warmer than
average, because the chocolate center became totally liquid-y. Of
course it was amazingly yummy, and to this day, i prefer to eat them
that way, hehe.

11. I used to see myself only living in NYC for always, but in recent
years that has waned exponentially. There are just so many other
wonderful places to experience.

12. My tolerance to the cold gets worse with every passing year as
well. Snow is pretty and I guess I would love snow if I was an avid
snowboarder/skier, but Im not, and I just see snow as a huge nuisance.
haha

13. I think the perfect afternoon would consist of eating In&Out
while at the beach in SoCal and just soaking up the rays, hehe.

14. I definitely want to travel abroad more often, I would love to visit Berlin, Rome, the Mediterranean, and Japan.

15. I have thought about getting a tattoo since 2003 …but with each
year that passes by, I wonder if it’s a rational thing to do. There’s
still a part of me that doesn’t like the idea of marking up one’s body.

16. Chinese food/Asian cuisine is usually my LAST choice when it comes
to going out to eat somewhere. That goes for pizza as well, as I don’t
see that as *real* food.

17. I used to be seriously introverted, even to the point of having social anxiety. I still have those moments.

18. However, I HATE awkward silences, so most of the time I do end up
making small talk. After all, how else would ppl find out I have such
an engaging personality? Heehee ^_^

19. I am mostly very open with people these days, so it strikes me as
odd when some people find this weird (either they bring it up or I just
totally see it in their face).

20. I have been mistaken many times for being from the West Coast (see #16).

21. I don’t see the point of being a pessimist. Why live out one’s days
with doom and gloom? Life is just so much easier when you’re happy, or
when you make the best of things.

22. I get extremely restless when there’s nothing new to do. I really
don’t get how people can just sit and watch tv all day. I have to be
doing something/be mentally stimulated or else I get bored very quickly.

23. My dog fascinates me, she is such a smart and amazing creature =D.
Dogs have amazing personalities, hehe. I fuss over her a LOT. Heehee.

24. In my spare time, I have taken to watching various cooking
shows…then figuring out how to make them using healthful and organic
ingredients. ^_^

25. I still occasionally enjoy a good party but those heydays are over.
And once I start planning to have a family, then that stage of my life
is *completely* over. I do not believe those two lifestyles mix at ALL.

April 20, 2009 at 10:00am

***this is a rant so be warned*** its not referring to anyone in
particular its just the environment i am experiencing right now.

I’ve noticed that I’ve recently strayed from my resolve of studying
hard and maybe going to one party a month. i *dont* really know how
this all happened…

wait, actually i *do*…haha

It all started with a belated bday celebration to Armin in the
beginning of April. And lest i start sounding like I didnt appreciate
it, it *was* super fun and super awesome to be able to go to it. and I
LOVEDDD being able to attend since all my good friends were there. and
i definitely love the person who did such a generous thing and gave me
my ticket, cuz ive known her for a few wonderful years now =)

BUT SERIOUSLY I had noooooooo idea I would be going out practically
**every** week following this. I did not **expect** to go out to
Armin…and I did not expect that things would “get outta control” like
THIS. so i feel that im totally **OVER** partying now, at least in New York City.
there are so many other things i would appreciate much more than that.
and in fact i will decline any future invites to parties, unless of
course im feeling it..and if its during “downtime”. because the school
semester matters more to me than PARTYING IT UP *then* taking out free
time to RECOVER — and i have to say, it wastes time and days when you
have to freakin recover from things. SO UNPRODUCTIVE in so many ways.
>.< and yes Armin WAS at the beginning of Spring Break but i
guess since i didnt do anything else that was notable during Spring
Break im just totally blah about the whole thing.

we are ONLY in the 3rd wk of April and i already *FEEL* like ive been
out *way* too often and have nothing to really show for it. its been
every freakin week with no end in sight. its also been severely
draining on the wallet, not just for me. well actually this coming
weekend should be the last of it so thank god. im already feeling a bit
WEARY. And BORED. it gets boring when u do the same thing too much
and/or are in the same surroundings too much. ugh. its doing weird
things to my mind and my perspectives on things and even certain ppl
which normally wouldn’t happen.

Well yes it was fun and the times memorable, ive loved the ppl whom ive
seen. I should not be grousing like this, I know but when I start
feeling meh about it its time to take notice. Truthfully I am not
feeling too *great* personally right now, as if im not in control of
things around me. And I have always been one to stop any sort of
downward spiral in my life that affects my wallet or my quality of life
or those who are connected to me.

im starting to feel like i cannot stay here in the city or NYC, because
i will keep getting put into the same situation with no end in sight.
its just a bit too easy to fall into the same patterns since its what
everyones doing right now around me. Lately i feel like i have NO SAY
in what i do every weekend or the ppl whom i see either and i dont like
that at all. Like as if i dont feel like doing what everyone else wants
to do then its tough luck for me. it shouldnt feel like that but it
does. and that TOTALLY sucks.

i have to change how I VIEW this situation or how the situation is
otherwise its going to start affecting how i feel about certain people.
it kinda already *HAS*, but i am trying so hard to keep those thoughts
from taking over otherwise common sense.

its very hard to not have money and to have ppl around u who have
money. its very hard when everyone around u is a partygoer, single and
able to do whatever they want. its even harder when you are surrounded
by ppl who aren’t able to say “no” even if it affecting their wallet
and u know it. or ppl who aren’t mindful of these things and keep
encouraging them. its no ones fault. its JUST the environment which
surrounds me right now.

so ill miss my friends and the ppl whom ive have been having fun with
(at parties). But I feel its best to stop partying/going out so much
and go back to the once-a-month thing after this Saturday. for those
that are not in school, who ARE working with jobs, who have money and
who are single, great you have ever right to live it up and thats
awesome. but im in a different place in life right now. People in my
situation cannot do that all the above reasons, even if we want to.

so ill see you when i see you. and if its for something other than a
party, so much the better <3. Seriously, money is tight in general
(not with just me) and i feel it should be spent on more worthwhile
things and experiences. i hate being the only one who is vigilant since
others are apparently NOT vigilant about it…but this is the position
ive been put in, unfortunately.

i know that the friends who matter, will understand this, and be even
more mindful of it. i really do love u all but i feel where im headed
isn’t good right now. in fact i am going to even try to NOT go out to
parties every month. the longer i stay away from them the more i will
feel better about things. (thank god theres nothing in June right now
and I dont expect to be going out to any unexpected parties etiher).