August 5, 2009
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Living for the future, as opposed to the present, for once...(I wonder how things will be, a year fr
Written July 13, 2009****rhetorical note...not meant to be commented on. its just something i need to go through. ****
...i will think however i need to in order to get thru this.
cuz right now im far where i want to be, should be
in fact i should be certifiably declared insane
the way my heads been going
one minute this way, the next way not
bursts of temper fiery hot, the next minute icy calmall justifiable, i suppose...doesn't mean i like it this way.
but par for the course. The authentic road...is never easy.cuz i rather be this way, living actively on the right path
using wisdom and restraint, on the outside looking in
guiding all good vibes and influence
i may believe too much in the good
but mind u that is NO weakness
instead that is the very strength that always pulls me throughand believe it or not, im learning. ive become much more assertive, strong, direct. all good
_______________________(altho im NOT stupid or do i forgive/forget. right now i feel like
throwing something at someones head and having it shatter right in
their FACE -- person shall remain NAMELESS. Oh hell, not worthy of
existence even...LOL. i have visions of it every day, oh joy. well at
least that right now provides me GREAT joy, HAHAHA)_______________________
Yes i finally got to thinking...
and YES I i do KNOW of the difference btwn different types of
people...and no they are NOT the same thing. there are those that waver
between being 'stupid and gullible to lengths even i cant fuckin'
comprehend (!) - YES *YOU*, stupid idiot!! Aptly
deserved BY THE WAY...but for all the stupidity of this shiet, for SOME
reason i still believe that one can *still* retain a GOOD heart despite
these huge fallacies, dependability however is another STORY.)
-one type (of person).opposed to being malicious and manipulative
and living on lies to support some sort of 'lifestyle'
(just drawing ur own path toward nowhere)
-the **worst** type *(of person). with a BLACK heart
this type of person is just a poison to everyone around themi have never been *like* either type, and never will be like either
type. First type contains traits that i consider to be truly *WEAK* in
character...the latter of the most self-serving, selfish type.Being *real* has never come easy, but we strive to live with virtue,
honesty and respect. and to be able to exchange truths (even if it
hurts) with those deemed worthy......
i just wonder how things will be, a year from now.
i dont normally think this way but tooo many things are happening
all at once now...that i can only retain focus *this* way. its amazing
to think of all the changes that i am about to experience now...and
that by next yr, i will be again a *changed* person, a different
person, like it or not.
believe it or not, whichever path i take, i wil again become someone
*new*...one of two IDENTITIES, as different as can be. Either way,
change is technically positive -- well i say that in order to bring it
into the most helpful light. im not happy about the change but the
wheels were set in motion -- and so i bravely face it now.
it will be wholly interesting to see how much things have changed for
the other party in such time...well at this point i already know "i* am
going to change drastically. in fact i am changing day by day, week by
week...its been a pivotal year up to now...the unexpected threw me off
but i will survive. And THRIVE. To grow is always a great thing, to
gain more perspective, to be more KNOWING. This is where i embrace
age...as every year brings more knowledge on how to live, and how to
enjoy every moment u have, not cuz u dont know what tomorrow might
bring -- but that tomorrow can only bring more depth and perhaps even
more joy than one could have ever imagined. =)
Cant say i see the same happening for said person. and thats really something to feel sorry for.
all feelings aside, i objectively hope im wrong about that
-- even though i should really wish that person to eternal damnation in
death (LOL!) but hell on earth is SO MUCH WORSE especially if that
persons created their own situation--
and thats the crazy part about it. no one has to do anything!!! as much
as I WANT something DONE, i won't. its just NOT me, and its not WORTH
it. during this time ive found soo much love and support even from
unexpected places, that all i want to do is to look *toward* the
future. things like this are petty and fade away w/importance with
time. Last i heard, there was more than enough going around, without me
needing to add to it. so i won't cuz im the better one for it =)
One would prefer to see ppl develop and grow up for the better...but
alas that is DEFINTELY not the case for some -- it is also too late as
they cannot undo the damage done, to themselves and their surroundings.
or at least they cannot accomplish it via the right way, always by
deception and seeing who else they can manipulate.
too bad...ppl like this will never find real friendship based on mutual
respect and truths, one will never find real, all-encompassing love,
only what started in deceit and manipulation and untruths. and those,
as we all know, unravel in time. and yeah the most gullible ppl can be
fooled for awhile...but when ones true colors come out...yes even THOSE
people walk. But oh wells...some ppl are content to create their own
worlds as such, who am i to fault that?
**keep in mind that its NOT my intention to keep dwelling on this...i
already know that in 5+ months i will have become indifferent either
way it goes...so im just working on myself...and thats why im just
getting all my thoughts out now.
what will this all matter, in the scheme of things...of a life well-built and wonderful?
...
*I* myself am SOO *not* here right now. But my lingering aura and glimmering light stays...and hopefully it shall guide me home....
Someday...
written: 07/13/09
**listening to Beyonce's HALO -- i never thought that a Beyonce song
would get me all contemplative. in fact i hadnt even KNOWN this was her
song till recently.
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