July 30, 2009

  • *TOO* much of a good thing...

    April 20, 2009 at 10:00am

    ***this is a rant so be warned*** its not referring to anyone in
    particular its just the environment i am experiencing right now.

    I've noticed that I've recently strayed from my resolve of studying
    hard and maybe going to one party a month. i *dont* really know how
    this all happened...

    wait, actually i *do*...haha

    It all started with a belated bday celebration to Armin in the
    beginning of April. And lest i start sounding like I didnt appreciate
    it, it *was* super fun and super awesome to be able to go to it. and I
    LOVEDDD being able to attend since all my good friends were there. and
    i definitely love the person who did such a generous thing and gave me
    my ticket, cuz ive known her for a few wonderful years now =)

    BUT SERIOUSLY I had noooooooo idea I would be going out practically
    **every** week following this. I did not **expect** to go out to
    Armin...and I did not expect that things would "get outta control" like
    THIS. so i feel that im totally **OVER** partying now, at least in New York City.
    there are so many other things i would appreciate much more than that.
    and in fact i will decline any future invites to parties, unless of
    course im feeling it..and if its during "downtime". because the school
    semester matters more to me than PARTYING IT UP *then* taking out free
    time to RECOVER -- and i have to say, it wastes time and days when you
    have to freakin recover from things. SO UNPRODUCTIVE in so many ways.
    >.< and yes Armin WAS at the beginning of Spring Break but i
    guess since i didnt do anything else that was notable during Spring
    Break im just totally blah about the whole thing.

    we are ONLY in the 3rd wk of April and i already *FEEL* like ive been
    out *way* too often and have nothing to really show for it. its been
    every freakin week with no end in sight. its also been severely
    draining on the wallet, not just for me. well actually this coming
    weekend should be the last of it so thank god. im already feeling a bit
    WEARY. And BORED. it gets boring when u do the same thing too much
    and/or are in the same surroundings too much. ugh. its doing weird
    things to my mind and my perspectives on things and even certain ppl
    which normally wouldn't happen.

    Well yes it was fun and the times memorable, ive loved the ppl whom ive
    seen. I should not be grousing like this, I know but when I start
    feeling meh about it its time to take notice. Truthfully I am not
    feeling too *great* personally right now, as if im not in control of
    things around me. And I have always been one to stop any sort of
    downward spiral in my life that affects my wallet or my quality of life
    or those who are connected to me.

    im starting to feel like i cannot stay here in the city or NYC, because
    i will keep getting put into the same situation with no end in sight.
    its just a bit too easy to fall into the same patterns since its what
    everyones doing right now around me. Lately i feel like i have NO SAY
    in what i do every weekend or the ppl whom i see either and i dont like
    that at all. Like as if i dont feel like doing what everyone else wants
    to do then its tough luck for me. it shouldnt feel like that but it
    does. and that TOTALLY sucks.

    i have to change how I VIEW this situation or how the situation is
    otherwise its going to start affecting how i feel about certain people.
    it kinda already *HAS*, but i am trying so hard to keep those thoughts
    from taking over otherwise common sense.

    its very hard to not have money and to have ppl around u who have
    money. its very hard when everyone around u is a partygoer, single and
    able to do whatever they want. its even harder when you are surrounded
    by ppl who aren't able to say "no" even if it affecting their wallet
    and u know it. or ppl who aren't mindful of these things and keep
    encouraging them. its no ones fault. its JUST the environment which
    surrounds me right now.

    so ill miss my friends and the ppl whom ive have been having fun with
    (at parties). But I feel its best to stop partying/going out so much
    and go back to the once-a-month thing after this Saturday. for those
    that are not in school, who ARE working with jobs, who have money and
    who are single, great :) you have ever right to live it up and thats
    awesome. but im in a different place in life right now. People in my
    situation cannot do that all the above reasons, even if we want to.

    so ill see you when i see you. and if its for something other than a
    party, so much the better <3. Seriously, money is tight in general
    (not with just me) and i feel it should be spent on more worthwhile
    things and experiences. i hate being the only one who is vigilant since
    others are apparently NOT vigilant about it...but this is the position
    ive been put in, unfortunately.

    i know that the friends who matter, will understand this, and be even
    more mindful of it. i really do love u all but i feel where im headed
    isn't good right now. in fact i am going to even try to NOT go out to
    parties every month. the longer i stay away from them the more i will
    feel better about things. (thank god theres nothing in June right now
    and I dont expect to be going out to any unexpected parties etiher).