January 24, 2008
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Wishful thinking:
Definition: interpretation of facts, actions, words, etc., as one would like them to be rather than as they really are; imagining as actual what is not. the illusion that what you wish for is actually true
to want something and to wish for something is awesome, but then if you truly want it bad enough, wouldn't it be called a 'goal'? where there is an actual/realistic plan in place set to achieve it? otherwise it is just an "empty promise", just words no action.
Sometimes this action if unfulfilled, ends up being what we more commonly know as "what could have been" or "what u wish was true...but that isn't the reality"
I have a few practical dreams I'd like to think...ones that I've been putting off due to lack of financial stability such as a (temporary) move out of new york city just to grow myself. This is actually a desire that has grown stronger with time every year...
And:
Going back to school for one final vocation...I have grown more and more interested in health/medical so I am researching the prerequisites on which to start these aspirations. Now that I've started to save actual money this may be more of a reality than ever before and yes I know I said this about 6 months ago however I don't have parents to back me up so I'm trying to at least have a year to two years tuition in check before I attempt such a thing.
Some dreams are more situational/timely (such as potentially becoming a mother someday in the far future) but yes I would follow through because its something I really do want badly and hey I've become extremely adaptable with life
Then comes the wishful thinking - I am surprised at myself for being so starkly honest with myself so early this year about the reality of certain things and the chances of it working out, which comes everyday closer to nil the more I think about it. Truthfully it makes me cry. A lot. But then when I think about it, this is truly the rough patch isn't it, one cries when in denial about reality...one cries upon imminent death...then comes acceptance as one hits rock bottom on some level...but then comes rebirth.
In the delaying of a possible inevitable...one delays rebirth, which -- should one choose to embrace it -- is as beautiful if not more than the possible alternatives...
Still..the letting go of a dream is *heartbreaking*, thus why things end loong after when they were initially meant to end....
I had a dream..but that dream is (slowly) going from me...its just taking waaaay too much energy to ponder at times.
**really please do not feel sorry for me, cuz i don't. be happy for me because I am growing...again.
it is my way to keep from getting stuck in life. i realize this can be seen as negative as "oh she cant stick with anything." and thats ok, thats ppl's perspective. I get bored/restless/need to grow in certain ways that obviously other ppl just don't see the need to do as quickly. I just want to live life to the fullest and with as much time as I can give to myself. That is only fair. I also tend to *know* what i truly want and the means to get it, if its within my control...but because of my extreme adaptability i have patience but that patience becomes my undoing and i know this so then my intuition steps in to prevent myself from going after a lost cause. for better or for worse, my intuition then steps in and makes it very clear on what needs to be done even if i am initally against it. and timing is always unpredictable in this case but once i receive that calling within myself its VERY VERY HARD to turn off. its a VERY mixed emulsion right now of bittersweet tears and heart but this is something that I have to go through on my path to my authentic self and a future that just won't wait....to wait endlessly is not being fair to myself. and i realize that, its just taking awhile to accept and to have the actual *means* to realistically move forward, thats all. i really do wish that I could totally embrace it *now*.
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Done and done.
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